The Permanent Vacation

Tonight I had to go to the grocery store to buy food for the cats. They had been out of food for about a day and a half and were really pissed off. They let us know they are out of food by following us around the house meowing and being everywhere we are glaring at us as if to "Feed us, or we will claw the leather coach until it becomes beef jerky". So, off to the store I went. I grabbed a bag of food and went to the register to pay. Of course I always gravitate towards the cash register being tended by the fresh faced boy just out of high school. As usual, this particular one looked high as a kite and sure enough when I asked for cash back he handed me an extra 20. I didn't notice this until I was walking out of the sliding doors into the parking lot. Now, although I am not a religious person, I am a strong believer in karma. I went back into the store, back up to the kid and extended my hand with the extra 20 in it as if to show him an act of generosity. He said " Did I not give you enough change?" I said "No you idiot, you gave me an extra 20 now take it back before I change my mind". I left the store and got in the car with my cat food. I thought about it for a minute and I remembered 2 days earlier when a friends dad asked THE dumbest question I have ever heard (coincidentally, I get asked this almost every time I say I am an Agnostic) he said "If you don't believe in life after death what gives you the motivation to behave?" I told him what I tell most people, including my children. I said, I don't make decisions about how I behave in order to get into Heaven, I make decisions based on what makes me feel good about myself. I think it's simple and straight forward. He wanted to debate this. He suggested that a person who is not motivated by the possibility of spending eternity burning in Hell might not want to "do the right thing". I explained to him that doing the right thing makes my life better and helps me enjoy the cosmic fart that is our existence. He asked if I get depressed by not having anything to look forward to. (I thought to myself, besides your immediately leaving my house?) I responded that I sometimes get depressed when I think about how stupid people won't stop reproducing but I try not to let it overwhelm me. We shared a laugh and then basically agreed to disagree. After a few awkward moments of silence we parted company. Alas, this conversation begs the question if not for today what day ARE we living for? Just for a moment imagine that this is the only life we have. If you lived only for a tomorrow that never came wouldn't you regret that? I was particularly interested in his comment about my "motivation". He asked how I convinced myself to do the right thing without the promise of celestial glory. I told him I operated from a place inside myself I liked to call "being a good person just because it seems like a reasonable idea". Tonight when I had to explain to my son why I didn't keep that kids 20 dollars I told him about making decisions I could live with...and karma. I told him, what goes around comes around and if I fuck someone over it will eventually bite me in the ass (exact words). I also explained to him that I had a good life, a privileged existence. I told him my life is so good I don't even have to work and that kid is working a shitty job at Smith's. He obviously needs that 20 dollars more then I do. He said "Why is your life so good Mom, why don't you have to work?" I said...karma. Your dad got me pregnant not once but 3 times and after pushing 3 babies giant heads out of my vagina HE has to work cause I am on "permanent vacation".