My Funny Valentine

Today I figured it would be appropriate to profess my love to my one and only, my soul mate. However, I have serious "issues" with who ever invented the greeting card. I'm convinced that the only thing worse then having body issues is feeling like I have to pay 5 dollars for a card some idiot wrote that says "Today and Everyday, My Love--My Darling". First of all what does that even mean? Are you trying to clarify that it's not just sometimes my love, occasionally my darling? I mean come on people--you know the reality is no one really gives a shit unless the card has something besides sentiments inside it. Of course it's nice to be reminded that someone is thinking about you but nowadays, a greeting card is no longer a thoughtful token of our affection or significance to a loved one, we've almost come to expect a card for everything from having a birthday to graduating from high school. Really? Graduating from high school? Aren't we expected to do that? Shouldn't we be concerned that graduating from high school has become some great feat? Can't we pretty much just count on graduating rather then celebrating because we did? I mean shit why didn't Ryan get a card after his vasectomy that said "Congratulations on becoming a 'sport' model". They seem so superfluous. There are some things that are just not necessary--like letting your friends know that things are starting to get serious between you and your shower head. Sometimes we just don't need to wish someone a Happy St. Patricks Day. Like really? If St. Patrick hadn't driven the snakes out wouldn't someone else have done it? That IS the essence of a lot of greetings cards isn't it? Congratulations on doing something someone else could have or already has done like graduating high school or getting a promotion, job well done on something that would most likely occur naturally like recovering from an accident or having a baby--like, surprise--at some point that baby's coming out whether or not YOU do anything.
Now this is not to say that the people buying the greetings cards are not sincere and thoughtful people--on the contrary, they are the people who fall for this conspiracy hook, line and sinker. It is the average thoughtful friend, parent, lover, grandma who doesn't buy the overpriced greeting card that feels like a real douche. Me on the other hand, I send a card when I feel the repercussions of NOT sending one would far out weigh the shame of falling victim to Hallmarks plan for world domination. That being said anyone who has ever sent me a card (especially those containing monetary sentiments) don't think for a minute I don't absolutely enjoy receiving them. The joy of opening a card and having a crispy green 20.00 from your grandma fall out defies reason. Now watch--I won't receive another greeting card from anyone for the rest of my earthly existence. In fact, I have not received an anniversary card from my own husband for the last several years because we have gotten in a fight 3 years in a row ON our anniversary. He purchased a card 3 years ago and has left it in his sock drawer this whole time. Every year the day we make up he says "Well, I guess you'll have to wait until NEXT year to get your card" like I haven't already read it. Maybe he should buy card that says "Today and Everyday--with the exception of our anniversary--My Love, My Darling".